(The following is an excerpt from Karla McLaren's book, Rebuilding the Garden: Healing the Spiritual Wounds of Childhood Sexual Assault. Survivors are urged to first read the warning from the author and publisher at the bottom of this page. Those interested are encouraged to read McLaren's book in it's entirety. Though it is out-of-print, it can be found from on-line used book-sellers.)
A very common minimization is, "Well, I was never penetrated (or the molester was another child), so it wasn't that damaging." Minimizers are masters at what I call shallow intellectual healing; they talk a good life, but they don't live it. Minimizers appear healthier than chaotic people whose memories flood their daily lives, but both kinds of survivors are precisely as imbalanced and in need of some form of intervention.
Though they assure everyone that they are find and really "done with" their molestations, minimizers will often inexplicably find themselves in relationships or situations that resemble the emotional atmosphere of their assault.
Minimizers will have oppressive jobs, marriages without boundaries, long-standing struggles with trust, health, weight, compulsive behavior and more - and it will be the twisted genius of their health-and-wholeness seeking psyches that creates these patterns for them.
When a person refuses to remember a trauma, they will find themselves - again and again - in traumatic situations that force them to either remember, or to dissociate further. Minimizers invariably choose the latter. Minimizers are staunchly defended, but completely unprotected.
Minimizers are often over-achievers, or "runaway" healers (people who can fix anyone or anything but themselves) who appear to be extremely capable and together until you get too close to them. Inside, a constant battle rages between the hyper-rational conscious adult and the out-of-control, unconscious molested self. The constant splitting and dissociation these people function within can be absolutely overwhelming.
Minimizers often feel cavernously empty and disconnected ; they live in constant fe ar of being found out as frauds. Though they are often wildly successful out in the world, their inner lives are unbearably noisy. Minimizers spend a great deal of time and energy not listening to the quiet (and ear-piercing) inner voices that cry out for their healing. Often, minimizers become progressively isolated as they age - since they don't listen to themselves, it becomes very difficult for them to hear others.
Minimizers, hear this: if you had the most gorgeous body in the world and you walked down Main Street in a shimmery see-through body stocking, and you had on a flashing neon hat that said, "I WANT TO MAKE LOVE!" it would still never, ever be okay for anyone to touch you, let alone have sex with you, without asking!
You body belongs to you and it always has belonged to you. It doesn't matter where you were or what you wore or what you thought. No one had the right to touch you if you didn't want to be touched, and no one has the right to engage children in sexual relations. Period.
Forget all the qualifying statements and excuses and arguments. Sexual assault is WRONG. Sexual assault is damaging and it affected you. Sexual assault continues to affect you, and it won't go away simply because you refuse to look at it. Trust me on this one!
It is very painful to recall abuse, but in many twelve-step groups it is said that "The pain I may feel by remembering can't be worse than the pain of knowing and not remembering". Yes, it is frightening to get back in touch with your life and accept that unmanageable pain and anguish were your reality, but you can only rescue yourself and begin to heal if you realize that something damaging occurred and that you are dealing with it every single day - whether you want to or not.
You don't have to become a walking testament to helplessness, but the reality of your victimization and the split you experienced (and are still experiencing) must be allowed to come forward. The body remembers; the emotions remember; the spirit remembers; and real healing will only come about when those memories are validated.
Find the words that work for you in this stage, or simply say, "I was confused and frightened and made to be a part of things that felt queasy and awful. I was hurt, and nothing else matters when I get hurt, so I will not pretend to be okay. I never asked to be hurt. I didn't do anything wrong, and I didn't deserve to be assaulted. I couldn't control what happened, and what happened was wrong. I want safety. I want freedom. I want out."
Keep saying this or something like it until you believe yourself. You'll be surprised at how quickly you will respond. Don't close back down when the tears or the emotions come up, and don't run from the memories springing from that little person you once were. Those things are not happening in the present. You have power in your own mind and you have safety within your room. Use them and try a rescue.
Related Pages
Warning: "This book presents powerful healing techniques for survivors of childhood sexual trauma. If you intend to use the information in this book, you must take this work seriously and with clear intent, or confusion may result; therefore, the author and publisher cannot assume liability or responsibility for acions inspired by information in this book. Since you a re prescribing for yourself, use your own best discernment, or consult a holistic psychotherapist, medical expert, or trained healer for specific applications so your idividual situation. Please approach this work with due caution, spiritual intelligence, and a deep sense of personal responsibility."
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