(The following is an excerpt from Rebuilding the Garden: Healing the Spiritual Wounds of Childhood Sexual Assault by Karla McLaren. We recommend survivors read the entire book however it is out-of-print and may be hard to find. Hopefully, our excerpts -written verbatim - might be of some help.)
*Survivors are urged to first read the warning by the book's publisher at the bottom of this page.
Many therapies and meditation systems help people create mental sanctuaries, but we'll go one step further, and create this sanctuary within your body, within your the present time, and within your actual life.
The room in your head is a private and unreachable place that does not depend on others or on physical surrounding for its peacefulness. It doesn't even require quiet or large blocks of time. It is a place where privacy is always available, and it is inside your body. The room in your head can help to anchor your consciousness in your body by giving you a focal place in which to center your attention.
Creating the Room in Your Head
Here's how to make your room: draw an imaginary line straight backwards from the top of your nose to the back of your head. Now draw another line from the top of your right ear (by that depression behind your cheekbone) to the top of your left ear. The point where these two lines intersect will be the center of your room. Make sure that the floor of your room is centered low in your head, at about the middle of your nose, and not any higher. If it's any higher, you could experience dizziness. Create four walls, a floor, and a ceiling - all inside your head. In the front part of this room, there will be two windows (your eyes) with a door between them. Hang a Do Not Disturb sign outside this door while you work.
Now comes the fun part: decorate this room in any style you like, but remember that this is your sanctuary. Don't fill it with noise and bustle, or make it inviting to anyone else. Other people are absolutely not allowed in this room. Bring in art and pillows, a hot tub or a fireplace; turn your room into an Egyptian temple, a crystal cave, an old English castle library, or a Mesopotamian pavilion. Do not recreate a room that exists in your life already; instead, make this room your fantasy destination.
Create a luxurious, comfortable seat for yourself right in front of the windows of your eyes, and have them look out on your very favorite nature scene. If they do, you can have a sense of peace and a connection to nature that won't depend on your surroundings. Even in the middle of a traffic jam, you can be looking out on a garden or a forest, or upon the desert at moonrise.
When your room is ready, take your seat in it and practice looking out from behind your eyes. Try staying in your room for a minute or so, but don't worry if you can't just yet. It can take a little practice to actually stay in your body. I've had my room for almost twenty years now, and sometimes I stay out for days or weeks at a time. When I notice this, I don't smack myself, I just get back in; however, I'm always reminded that I never do my best work during these completely out-of-body times.
One very easy way to tell if you're not in your room is to bring your hand towards your face and press the bridge of your nose with your fingers. If you feel your attention being moved back into your head, you probably weren't there to begin with. Another quick way to check in is to notice whether you can see your nose and your eyelashes without focusing on them. If your awareness is centered behind your eyes, your nose and your lashes will always be within your field of view.
Keep working at staying behind your eyes in your room. If you don't want to be there at all, change the decor or the configuration until you are comfortable. Check in with yourself throughout the day to see how your room or your feelings about it have changed. Don't hesitate to redecorate, and remember that this room can be as opulent or fantastical as you like. It won't cost you anything!
Most people have heard that it is best to Be Here Now, but many assault survivors couldn't get here now to save their lives! I had heard over and over again that the only real power lives in the present - that the past is a memory and the future a dream. None of it clicked for me until I got into my body. The room in my head anchored me to the real world because it gave me a place, for the first time that I could consciously remember, to be alone, in control, and at peace. The description that comes up in class about this room is "the control center". I agree with that. Being in your room feels like being in the cockpit of an airplane, in a lookout tower, or on a throne. There's a lot of quiet power inside our bodies.
As for the Be Here Now theory? Each of us lives in a vessel that can only be here now. Our bodies cannot live in the past; they cannot travel to the future; they can only exist in each moment. If we climb into our bodies and sit behind our eyes, we will live in the moment. It's as simple as that.
Since all power exists in the present moment, living in our bodies will give us the power we need to live and grow and heal. Living outside of our bodies and traipsing through past and future has taught us to survive, but not to live. If we are to move through our molest experience and its aftermath, and truly come into the present, we'll need to learn to depend on our bodies -- to trust them and ourselves -- to support them with our conscious attention. It's the most important thing we can do if we're serious about moving on, because with this in-the-body support, we will finally have the strength to deal with the reality we've been hiding from. We will finally have the strength to deal with the memories.
In every Garden class and at every assault survivor's group I've ever encountered, there comes a point where memories of abuse will spring forth, uninvited and in appalling detail. It always happens, and if the group leader isn't ready for it, the process can be very damaging for the group members involved. People, even the bravest people, would really rather not remember trauma; without competent help, they fight the process and create a grand drama.
Without help, people will leave therapy at this pivotal juncture, go back to battering relationships, and leave their once-proud sobriety behind. This is such a shame, because the painful flow of memories is a sign of a vibrant psychological shift that could be the foundation for finally mending the spirit of the trauma, and breaking out of the prison of repeated dissociation.
When the stored memories begin to emerge, it means that a new level of strength has been reached, or that a suitable support system exists. Suddenly, physical and emotional memories - unexamined for years and even decades - can come forward. Just as suddenly, their challenge can be met by a new, older, wiser, and entirely different person than the child who endured the assault with very little comprehension.
People at this spiritual junction can move away from the need to unconsciously create chaos and pain in the present so that they can dissociate in response (and continue in their once-protective pattern of running from their memories by filling their present lives with chaos).
People at this junction can finally begin to address the actual moment of their split and wounding, and bring it to the surface. With the help of the room in the head and some simple spiritual healing techniques, this surfacing work becomes easy.
When we can get into our bodies and focus our attention on ourselves, we can see ourselves as separate from the world around us. When we know how to create separations, we can begin to separate ourselves from our trauma. Instead of flying off and dissociating, we can calm ourselves down and simply observe, from behind our own eyes.
Suddenly, the burden that had been carried for so long in shadowy memories and flashbacks can be lifted up into the light. With these flashbacks, the psyche is signaling that it is ready to examine the reality of what happened to us. From behind our own eyes in the present moment, we may be surprised to find that we have a remarkable ability to deal with our traumatic memories. We may find that we can come to our own rescue.
Related Pages
*Warning: "This book presents powerful healing techniques for survivors of childhood sexual trauma. If you intend to use the information in this book, you must take this work seriously and with clear intent, or confusion may result; therefore, the author and publisher cannot assume liability or responsibility for actions inspired by information in this book. Since you are prescribing for yourself, use your best discernment, or consult a holistic psychotherapist, medical expert, or trained healer for specific applications to your individual situation. Please, approach this work with due caution, spiritual intelligence, and a deep sense of personal responsibility."
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